alainn_aislinn: (Fear everything)
Who do you need me to be?

To create the perfect balance between artist and muse takes more than just a moment of "I choose you." It takes effort and precision and more than a little bending and twisting of self. I am what I am, but what I am has always been what they need me to be. Challenging. Demure. Dominant. Submissive. Cool. Warm. Distant. Intimate. Unattainable. Possessed utterly.

I shape their dreams to encourage them higher, and I shape myself to fit into them in the most inspiring way possible. I become what they need, completely, and lose myself in them until we've merged into almost a single being of creation. Only when they are spent, I am bereft and there is a hole that grows more every year with what I have lost of myself.

It carries over into my more personal relationships, I have noticed. After so long, I do not know who I am on my own. So I look for ways to fit. What does he need? What does he want? What can I give him? What can I be for him?

Only it makes him frustrated, angry even. And I realize I've made a mistake, done something wrong in trying to do things as I have always done. It's different when you love someone. I realize it, logically. You want to know that person, who they are, what they love and then together you find where you fit and where you clash and you embrace one and work around and laugh at the other. I know all this, in my head.

But the instinct in my heart is to cleave into all his empty spaces and fit myself there, with never a worry for my own holes, my own hurts, my own needs. So I make the mistake again and again, and I am not sure how to make it right or break the pattern. If things are to change, the story must change, but how am I to tell what it changes into?

And when you strip away the muse, and have just the girl left -- who am I?

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alainn_aislinn

December 2007

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