May. 29th, 2007

alainn_aislinn: (Thoughtful in bed)
I would leave. I would run. I would go back home the moment after I even suspected why things had changed. Why I needed more. Why I wanted…I would go back to that moment, and I would kiss him and tell him goodbye, and then I would never look back.

Before that moment in time, I thought I could control what I am. I thought that I could change things, be something different, be someone else. I could judge and I had discernment and I would be better, different, than those that came before. I knew so very much, and nothing anyone told me mattered.

After that moment in time, I knew more, knew how stupid I had been. How foolish. How childish in my clinging to a belief that I could be anything else besides what I am. We all serve a purpose in life. My mother told me that countless times, but I thought mine could be different than hers, different than what my nature called me to be. I thought I could change the way things worked.

I thought we could be a family. Maybe not the family he wanted to make, but one of our own. It would be different. I would show them all that I was better than that. My child would be raised in both worlds, loved by two parents, a bond that would overcome what nature called me to be, to do.

I stayed.

He died.

And I would give anything to take it back.


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December 2007

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